Childhood and Adult Education for Encouraging Respect and Preventing Abuse
By Sue Ellson
#ChooseToChallenge #IWD2021 #iwd #LetHerSpeak #LetUsSpeak #LookForListeners #UnmuteYourself #Respect #SelfEdit #Prevention
Support Services available at https://www.respect.gov.au/services/
Here in Australia, there has been a lot of recent discussion about childhood sexual abuse, inappropriate workplace behaviour, domestic violence and the consequential effects on our community, but particularly, of the effects on women.
Today, 8 March 2021 is International Women’s Day.
The Australian Government is releasing a campaign that talks about RESPECT with the motto of Stop it at the Start.
Quick disclaimer — I have never worked in this field or provided support to victims, but like many people, I have had personal exposure to this issue with both children and adults throughout my working life. All opinions are my own and have not been solicited.
Australian of the Year 2021, Grace Tam, gave an inspired presentation at the National Press Club in Canberra on 3 March 2021. What impressed me about her presentation and the answers she gave to the gathered journalists, was the focus she had on how we can move forward to prevent childhood sexual abuse, but many of her comments apply to all forms of abuse.
Like many other genuine advocates who have a lived experience, Grace recommends EDUCATION as a key strategy.
I would like to add my recommendations for the education component…and feel free to use and share whatever you like, wherever you like!
1. Terminology — Survivors and their loved ones
When mentioning victims or survivors, always include survivors and their loved ones in the narrative. This could be parents, friends, colleagues, whatever, but when a perpetrator commits a crime, these people suffer too.
2. Simple reminders for children and adults
The following is a list of statements that I would like to encourage all of us to learn and share.
. you must never be asked to keep a secret, by anyone
. you need to be able to find people to talk to who will listen to what you have to say whenever you need to talk #LookForListeners
. you need to remember that it takes time to develop trust with another person and that you must ensure that what they do and what they say matches up all the time to give them your trust
. you will feel more comfortable with some people than others. However, if at any time you do not feel comfortable with what someone says or does, talk to more than one person you trust about what happened, as soon as possible
. understand that other people sometimes have things going on in their own life, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear you all the time, but sometimes, they may not be available (hence the reason for more than one person you trust to be in your life)
. you must not fear seeking help at any time and there is free and low cost help available and it is best to talk to someone who understands the specific issue (general services may be triggering and reduce ongoing participation)
. if you have an unfortunate experience, you may be triggered unexpectedly in the future (when that happens, look for listeners and re-engage your coping strategies)
. you can be healed, but it can take time, allow longer than you would like, but know that it can happen and others can help you
. if you are hurt in any way, it can also hurt the people who love you, but this doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they may need help to heal too
. understand grooming — the more ‘memorable’ language the better — I grew up with ‘stranger danger’ — I recommend ‘look for listeners’ which is focused on the solution. People in crisis are often too scared to speak and need to find someone who feels safe and can be trusted before they can share what happened to them
. be understanding of unusual behaviour — sometimes trauma can be stored in the sub conscious and a person’s behaviour may be completely unrelated to what they tell you has happened or how they feel (particularly if it happened at a very young age and they can’t recall the details)
3. Perpetrator Interventions and Consequences
A penalty increase may help (fines and jail terms).
I would like to suggest that there needs to be more research conducted with the people who work with paedophiles, sex offenders and abusers. I understand that some perpetrators are completely oblivious to the extent of the harm they have done and don’t care about it. If they cannot be ‘cured’ of their desire, we need to find a way to treat these people humanely but prevent them from having access to supply.
In my view, there needs to be some carefully constructed education to help perpetrators understand the impact of their actions on their victims, their loved ones and the people who love them. The ripple effect is enormous.
It needs to be made VERY CLEAR that inappropriate behaviour is unacceptable at any level. A description of all of the types of manipulative behaviour needs to be addressed and using the excuse they were ‘too scared to say anything’ is not acceptable (this is what I have actually heard from a perpetrator who managed to do many other things secretly).
4. Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse is rampant in our society and I agree with Grace Tame when she says that we haven’t had the language to describe what has been going on before.
Early intervention as soon as this type of behaviour is reported needs to ensure that any form of abuse requires formal education programs even before warnings or sentencing occurs, even though there is a ‘presumption of innocence.’
The course could be completed confidentially online for both the victim and the perpetrator.
5. Preparedness to report
I remember many years ago watching a movie on television and the whole country town knew what was going on (a wife was being beaten), but no-one was prepared to do anything about it
Whatever happened to calling someone out on their inappropriate behaviour?
A lot of abusers are very good at appearing one way in public and another in private, but if we are ALL aware of the clues, then we should ALL be willing to say when things are not acceptable.
This is particularly an issue for women in so many areas of our society as our voice is often too scared to ‘rock the boat’ for fear of the consequences.
I have had to report various incidences to the police (including finding a semi-naked and disoriented woman at a train station) and it has taken up a lot of my time, but it is our civic duty to do this, not sweep things under the carpet.
If the police don’t have the information, they cannot protect us. Protection is available and when Grace Tame said that she was motivated to take action when her anger outweighed her fear, I couldn’t help thinking that it shouldn’t take anger to respond to an injustice.
5. Understanding the concept of enabling
Every time we don’t disagree, don’t call it out, let someone get away with inappropriate behaviour or even joke about something, we enable it to continue.
But when we are tired and worn out, it becomes impossible to do this and I believe this is why so many people just want it all to end and suffer healthwise.
Early intervention that helps people understand what is healthy in a relationship or a friendship and what is not healthy is essential.
Compliments then cruelty, not on.
Criticism and control, not on.
Silence and guilt, not on.
6. Leading people to help
Identifying people who are not doing the right thing or are suffering is the first step. Getting them to some form of intervention, therapy, education or help is quite another.
I believe we need to change the perception of ‘getting help’ to be an ‘achievement’ rather than a ‘weakness.’
Anyone who makes an effort to identify issues and get tailored support is a champion.
Anyone who sticks to it deserves regular praise and acknowledgment.
So many people are resistant to getting help.
7. Learning the language of love
I have been through a lot of counselling and healing therapies over many years for various life issues and I am very conscious that I could still say the wrong thing to someone who has been abused and not be able to be as understanding as I need to be when they tell me what has happened to them.
We need to know what the language of love is for survivors. There needs to be much more education and support designed for survivor family and friends.
I don’t want people to be abandoned because they don’t know how to respond to someone’s grief. I don’t want people in grief to be re-triggered in ongoing conversations.
If we understand what coping strategies are most effective for victims and survivors, then we can support those strategies rather than criticize their drinking, gambling, drug taking, over-eating and other self-medicating behaviours.
Support Services available at https://www.respect.gov.au/services/
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Whilst this article is ‘off topic’ for me, (I normally stick to non-fiction topics related to careers, business, marketing, social media, networking as well as poetry), I felt compelled, in this time of reckoning, to add my thoughts to the conversation.
I trust that if you are a survivor or a loved one of a survivor, you will gain the strength and courage to find the listeners who can help you heal.
If you are a perpetrator, I also hope that you can find a way to heal and live a healthy respectful life in the future.
Online content gives us all the opportunity to share our thoughts publicly and help educate one another on positive ways forward. If you have constructive comments, please add them below.
With love, Sue Ellson :)
